Find This Carson Daly Person and Destroy Him

[strange_aeons]

I've written 1287 words in the last two and a half hours (as of five o'clock, when I started writing this), for a total of 50575 words, 5013 (give or take a few hundred I slipped into or cut out of earlier bits of the text) in the month of November. That meets my NaNo requirement.

Gosh, that was easy. I don't know why you NaNovelists have been so worked up about this. <ducks>

There may be more wordage tonight, but I'd like to get some other things done, such as that icon I told lilairen I'd make for her over a week ago (which I have worked on, but I keep reconsidering and having to go back to the sketch stage, because I'm not so much an artist as I am indecisive in a sensitive, arty way), which is difficult when I'm spending all my time staring at WordPad.

For now, though, I'm going to talk about comic books. Yes, I'm using the Do Not Feed the Cephalopod icon for a reason.

Marvel's been publishing a line of year one comics — familiar characters minus several decades of famously tangled continuity — with the word 'Ultimate' in their titles and they're quite good, actually. I've been reading Ultimate X-Men and recently caved and started in on Ultimate Spider-Man when it came to my attention via a crossover that its writer, Brian Bendis, writes some hilarious dialogue.

A few things to note about Ultimate X-Men, in no particular order.

1. Gambit appears on the cover of issue #13 wearing a Sigur Rós T-shirt. I loathe Gambit, and encountering him in the context of Rós paraphernalia causes me actual physical pain.



2. I ... like ... Cyclops. This is ... baffling. Cyclops has never held any interest for me — I described him to lilairen once as 'He's just sort of this whitebread guy who shoots lasers out of his eyes. That could make for interesting tension, but in practice what it makes for is a whitebread guy who shoots lasers out of his eyes'¹, and I stand by that description ... when he's written by anyone but Mark Millar, primary writer of Ultimate X-Men, who apparently can make me like Cyclops by dint of liking Cyclops himself: 'He just always seemed cool to me. He looks good and he's shagging the best bird.' Real deep, Millar. Remember that I think Millar is an asshole, because this will be relevant later.



3. Nick Fury (a regular in the Ultimates [the Avengers] who shows up in Ultimate X-Men fairly often) is black, and I'm only barely familiar enough with him for this to come as a surprise to me, but he's really cool. These things are only related inasmuch as Millar writes him as though he were played by Samuel L. Jackson, who I've always liked, but who, frankly, is typecast enough that 'as though he were played by Samuel L. Jackson' is a meaningful description.



4. I also loathe ... Professor Xavier. This is even weirder, and I swear I've read any number of X titles and never had this problem before. Millar writes him as a platitude-spouting hypocrite who will abuse his power to achieve any end but a productive one. I think this is because Millar is playing up the cult angle most other X-book writers have ignored, but it's still disorienting as hell and I'd like it to stop.



5. Dude, Colossus is totally gay. I'm completely serious. Setting aside the circumstantial evidence (Colossus commenting on Scott's 'outstanding, chiseled cheekbones' — to Wolverine — for example, or that scene in the showers that was just kind of suggestive, or his complete and rather touching faith in Wolverine. His favorite show is Will & Grace, but I consider that an indication of extremely poor taste more than anything else), there's this conversation in issue #29:
   
   Colossus: And while we are on the subject of opening up our hearts and telling people what's inside....
   Wolverine: Don't even think about it, Colossus.
   C: But we are facing perhaps our biggest challenge so far, Wolverine. [Blah blah terrorists blah Magneto.] I do not want to die with any regrets, Wolverine. Likewise, I think it is healthier just to air our little secrets than to keep them bottled up inside, don't you agree?
   W: No, it's healthier to keep them bottled up inside. A lot healthier.
   
   I didn't think too much of it until two issues later. When a man made of ferrous metal crawls up to Magneto and beats the shit out of him shouting things like 'Nobody lays a hand on Wolverine! You hear me?', you completely reassemble your whole fucking worldview if you must to accomodate this new information.
   
   But Ultimate X-Men is written by Mark Millar. And Millar is an asshole. I'm not familiar with most of Millar's career, but I know he wrote the Authority, a book created by Warren Ellis and containing characters that first appeared in Stormwatch (which I know nothing else about, except that it was initially published by WildStorm, who were also responsible for Gen 13, before it was bought up by DC), from around issue #13 on. The Authority is notable for featuring the first male superhero couple ever to appear prominently² in a mainstream comic published by one of the Big Two, Marvel and DC. Or was, I should say, because it was canceled right after they were married — 'they' being Apollo and Midnighter, shown here slowly tipping over.
   
   Midnighter's resemblance to Batman is obvious. Apollo becomes more Supermanlike when you know that he's solar-powered, super-strong and shoots lasers out of his eyes. There are 'World's Finest Couple' jokes and that sort of thing made about this. Fine and dandy; you can't throw a batarang without hitting half a dozen characters who bear a resemblance to Superman and Batman. Then Millar, in the same interview I quoted above, goes on the record saying, 'Then, after the "sucking the cock of Big Brother" trend this [resurgence in popularity of Silver Age-style heroism] turned into, there was nothing funnier than seeing a Superman clone get fucked up the ass in Authority.'
   
   Fuck you, Millar. Fuck you right in the ear.
   
   So now Millar's got another book with a queer guy in it. And he's pining after a straight teammate,³ which is pretty classic gay comic book character behavior. We can have our tokens, but they can't have relationships, because that'd be kind of, you know, gross. If Colossus ever gets any sane nookie, I will eat my hat.
   
   Poor guy.
   
   
   ¹ They're not actually lasers. I know. They share enough properties with lasers (redness, destructiveness, tendency to shoot out of people's eyes) for me to consider the term sufficient.
   
   ² That's not a dirty joke. I know it looks like one. Just trust me.
   
   ³ It's Wolverine. He's an icon. He will never, ever know the touch of another man. There would be lynchings. Not going to happen.