Well, with That Attitude, You Can Untie Yourself

[strange_aeons]

I'm playing on a high fantasy MUSH for the first time in three or four years, and in the week I've been there I've run into an acquaintence-in-good-standing I hadn't spoken to since I escaped Pacifica (the game that made the phrase 'mongolian clusterfuck' a permanent fixture of my vocabulary) and someone I used to be romantically involved with. Used to be. I was too young and in a transitional period, and he was a total pedo. I'm actually not obsessing about this at all, but I keep saying that because I'm obsessing about the possibility that I may be. Mostly I find it funny. In a continuing 'creepy fetishist assholes who are no longer in my life' theme, I find myself talking to lilairen about my father. I'm quoting this mostly for the watermelon line.

Whitney says, "And from the department of what the fuck, consider a case of a vegan with /scurvy/."
Tesla sneezes in astonishment.
Whitney says, "How the /fuck/ do you pull off a case of /scurvy/ living on nuts and berries?"
Tesla says, "How the hell does a vegan-- Yeah."
Tesla says, "I suppose if it ate only grains, root vegetables and nuts...."
Tesla says, "So, pretty much granola and baked potatoes. Without butter. Or, in all probability, salt."
Whitney says, "Well, a vegan couldn't eat butter."
Tesla says, "And most vegans are too sanctimonious to eat salt."
Tesla has a deep distrust of people who refuse to eat the flesh of dead creatures, you may have noticed.
Whitney is allergic to a shocking variety of plant matter. I can eat, uh, nuts and berries, though. Except peanuts, which are legumes.
Whitney is frigging allergic to *lettuce*.
Tesla says, "Have I ever told you about my father's vegetarianism?"
Whitney fears. "I don't think so."
Tesla says, "First, I should establish that my father is absolutely bugfuck crazy."
Whitney says, ". . . you mean you haven't?"
Tesla says, "Just in case."
Tesla says, "Second, I should establish that my father is a black supremacist."
Whitney says "I seem to have remembered hints about this."
Tesla says, "Now I tell you that my father was a vegetarian for racial reasons."
Whitney says ". . . he wanted to live on watermelon?"
Tesla hooowls.
Tesla says, "Best. Answer. EVER."
Whitney bows.
Tesla says, "I'm not insane enough to follow his logic, but apparently pork used to be the food of choice for poor southern black people, so eating meat of any kind was giving in to The Man."
Whitney says "Pork is the food of choice for Southerners. Brooks has informed me that it's a point of religious faith."
Tesla cackles.
Whitney says. "Well, the religious faith may be limited to the correct way to prepare pork barbecue."
Tesla says, "First you don't boil it in its mother's milk...."
Whitney, traumatised by the notion of redneck Jews.
Tesla beams.
Tesla says, "Neither humaneness nor his health entered the picture at any point, though one time he was served something with some ham in it in a restaurant, ate a bite before he realized what was wrong, and /went to the bathroom and forced himself to throw up/."
Tesla says, "And later told me that it _made_ him throw up, which seemed implausible at the time and even moreso when my mother told me her story."
Whitney says "Gotta love the healing power of ideology."
Tesla says, "So, I lived with this fanatic for fifteen years, and I distrust vegetarians and vegans because he's their strongest representative that I've encountered."
Tesla says, "And most of the other ones have been fierce but ultimately ham-fisted proselytizers."
Tesla says, "I think something about not getting enough protien prevents them from constructing an argument I can't kick out from under them in five minutes, with my mouth full. Of PORK."
Whitney snickers.

Edit: For the record, I do know how 'vegetarian' is spelled.

Comments

[elynne.livejournal.com]

The watermelon line caused me to make some kind of horribly loud seal-like noise. Everybody else in the house is asleep, so I can't give it the full response of abject hilarity that I so desperately want to. ;)

[elynne.livejournal.com]

Mmm - I know one person who has an excellent argument for being vegetarian: he was raised his entire life as a vegetarian, and so he never developed a metabolism that can handle meat - it goes right through him, so to speak, with maximum unpleasantness. He's rather bitter about this; he loves the taste and texture of meat... ;]

Tempting Godwin

[oneironaut.livejournal.com]

Gah. That poor bastard. There's some pretty decent fake chicken to be had out there, maybe he can experiment with that? I haven't had it in years, but I seem to recall it being spot-on texturewise. Of course, it probably causes impotence and breast cancer.

I don't actually have any problem with people who are vegetarian for reasons of health (uh, except for Hitler), or personal ethical and/or religious reasons, but people who do it for political reasons drive me bonkers. Because the whole point of politics is to get converts, and I'm not interested in being converted.

[kiya]

Humor in questionable taste are us!

[elynne.livejournal.com]

Hee! ;)

(just woke up from a four-hour nap, I don't have anything more relevant or coherent to say, myah.)

[kiya]

You know, it occurs to me just now that the phrase 'questionable taste' generated in response to a vegetarian bulimia anecdote might have been punful.

[elynne.livejournal.com]

*argh*

*inappropriate giggling* ;)

[antares.livejournal.com]

shig?

[oneironaut.livejournal.com]

... what?

[chaizzilla.livejournal.com]

[shakes head] neermind, thought you might be someone i know