strange_aeons: (follow the leader)
Admit it: you were wondering.

(I have removed the digressions for the sake of clarity and length, though I left in the one with [livejournal.com profile] lstone because it contributes to the atmosphere; I also moved a couple of lines around for the same reason.)

[livejournal.com profile] oneironaut says, "FINALLY someone is here to FIX THE FUCKING WASHING MACHINE."
[livejournal.com profile] lilairen looks for the obvious agitation joke but fails to find it with good timing.
[livejournal.com profile] oneironaut laughs anyway.
[livejournal.com profile] brooksmoses says, "There's the other obvious joke, about how if it's fucking, it probably is a good idea to get it fixed before you've got a litter of baby washing machines on your hands."
[livejournal.com profile] oneironaut says, "Then I'd never have to share. ... breed faster, home appliance!"
[livejournal.com profile] lilairen says, "Depends on whether it's fucking in a procreative fashion, too."
[livejournal.com profile] oneironaut says, "Well, the only other appliance convenient to it is the dryer. Does it belong to a different species, or are they members of the same extremely sexually dimorphic species?"
[livejournal.com profile] lilairen says, "That's a good question, really. I can see arguments made either way."
[livejournal.com profile] oneironaut says, "If it's the latter, that raises questions about toilets and bidets."
[livejournal.com profile] lilairen says, "And then there are those washer-dryer-single-unit-closet-things, which suggest either a speciation point, a mule-type hybrid, or, uh, a third thing that fell out of my head when I got this far into the sentence."
[livejournal.com profile] brooksmoses says, "Hermaphrodite."
[livejournal.com profile] oneironaut says, "Or a hermaphrodite, or something like the supermales you get in some species of fish."
[livejournal.com profile] lilairen says, "Thank you."
[livejournal.com profile] brooksmoses says, "[livejournal.com profile] tiger_spot says that she thinks they're probably cooperative species, like humans and wolves, or whatnot. The fact that they are often seen in washer-dryer pairs but don't appear to breed argues against sexually-dimorphic members of the same species."
[livejournal.com profile] brooksmoses says, "I am wondering if maybe they're symbiotes of a sort where occasionally one gets a parasitic form where the dryer gets fused into the washer."
First taste is free, now you have to click. )
strange_aeons: (what I get up to in the bathroom)
The events described herein took place some Friday a couple of weeks ago, maybe 3 October. I've been telling this story a lot recently because it tends to go over pretty well, and I had a dream about telling it last night -- though for some reason I said 'keta salmon' instead of 'Arctic char' in the dream; I instantly knew that was wrong but couldn't find the right term -- so now I'm telling you lot, because I haven't met my quota for this week. I don't think this is the right medium for it, or anyway, I haven't figured out how to make it work in this medium: this is droll, but, for example, when I told this story to my sister in person, she laughed so hard I was afraid she was going to drive us off the road.

We catered a large event recently, a funeral with some three hundred attendees. Among other things, they had ordered two poached salmon platters. These platters call for one whole salmon each, head, tail and all. I ordered them a couple of days early to give myself some contingency time, and to my not very great surprise the salmon arrived without heads or tails. Apparently the seafood warehouse was out of head-on salmon altogether. As a compromise, they offered to send us two head-off, tail-on salmon, and four fish-heads: two grouper and two arctic char.

Groupers have wide, fleshy, almost froglike heads, totally unlike the hard silvery heads of salmon. Arctic char are closely related to salmon and very similar in appearance and even flavor -- but for the purposes of the food industry, they run about half the size. So, our options were to court the anger of God with hideous mismatched Frankenfish, or to present the customer with fish visibly having only half the intelligence of normal salmon.

The actual solution to this problem was to send Underboss #1 down to the local fish market to buy a couple of salmon heads; we can't technically sell product from there, but no one was going to be actually eating the damn things, and we were backed into a corner. Meanwhile, my suggestions that we attach both bodies to a pig's head with an apple in the mouth, or put both char heads on a single body and tell the customer it was a good omen, went unacknowledged.